segunda-feira, março 03, 2008


I feel like writing in English today. Not as a form of hiding, just the closest I can get to my primary feelings.
All my basic thoughts and instincts are formed in English although I lack the vocabulary to truly articulate what has been twisting in my head.
I’m wounded quite badly. I can’t seem to find a way to stop the internal haemorrhaging that this last cut started.
I’m a fool. And as any fool will tell you, we often see and feel things that aren’t real because all our atoms wish it to be so. Wishful thinking, I presume.
After all was said and done, I hoped that this time it wasn’t lust but maybe, just maybe, something nobler.
Wrong again. And sooner than later I got the confirmation that it was a child’s illusion and I was humbled once more.
Feeling humiliated and tiny I dragged my beaten body to bed and laid there staring at the ceiling, listening to the songs that I chose to be the soundtrack of yet another lost fight in my life. I was defeated and crushed without even having lifted my fists once. I gave up before the bell rang.
Never… Such an overwhelming word. Leaves you feeling you’ll never be enough. Never be good enough. Never be smart enough. Never be interesting enough. Never be beautiful enough.
All life will change. The people that surround you will come and go. Reunions with old friends. New found acquaintances. And during all those years you will never be enough. At the back of your head the words will be dancing and whispers will come to you now and again: you just weren’t enough.
You might even spend some years without remembering those words that are now burning in your chest and mind. But one day, when you least expect it, you’ll hear the song echoing in your ears at this precise moment and it will all come back to you. The fight you lost because you were never enough…

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