Just a clown

Why don't people understand me?I'm I that complicated?I know I am to myself, but towards others I'm as blunt as possible. There's no bullshit in me.
I seam to scare people away. Or I'm to intense or I'm to shallow. I just don't know. My mind functions at the speed of light, maybe I should slow down when I try to explain myself to peolple. Although many of the things I say might seem opposite to each other, they're not.
I'm just like this. I'm a mixture of emotions and I don't hide or filter them. What I feel is what I say with no censureship. And still people find it so hard to find their way into me. WHY? I am what I am. Pure and simple. Am I that difficult? Or am I not worth the effort to even try understanding?
I often hear:
I understand, I can relate, I think your absolutely great!!!
Then, their actions are exactly contrary to what I need, want and to what I am.
They don't understand me, pure and simple.
Or am I sending out mixed signals?
I just don't know.
Sometimes I think I should just stick to the shit and sex talks so that people can evaluate me from there.
Just a pure and simple clown with nothing underneath!
Just a clown.

Só cai no mesmo buraco duas vezes quem é burro ou cego...

Aposto no burro... O cego ainda usa o cérebro... Infelizmante, o burro não tem uma bengala para ir calcurriando as ruas da vida anticipando as barreiras ou impedimentos que o poderão fazer tropeçar e/ou cair...
Gato escaldado de àgua quente tem medo... Não é assim que reza a expressão popular? E quando o gato não foge da àgua mas de si mesmo? Por ter sido estúpido ao ponto de ter derramado àgua a ferver para cima dele quando, instintivamente, soube ao aproximar-se da panela a ferver que estava quente?
A nossa existência está carregada destes "ditos populares" que supostamente deveriam funcionar como um aviso ou uma liçao de vida. Não servem para nada.
Escaldamo-nos uma vez e no dia seguinte voltamos a pegar na panela e a queimar-nos. Ás vezes a burrice é tanta, que em ver de nos desviarmos do buraco, mandamo-nos lá para dentro de cabeça...
Ainda dizem para confiarmos nos nossos sentimentos e na nossa "ressonância emocional". Não são os ditos sentimentos que nos levam a fazer as asneiras à partida? Quantas vezes ouvimos dizer: "O amor leva-nos a fazer coisas estúpidas"? Depois a cara da pessoa que proferiu as palavras torna-se num esgar de dor, desilusão e arrependimento por se te deixado levar para poder viver a experiência até ao máximo. "Enquanto durou foi bom, mas agora vai cada um para o seu lado"...
Ficam os dois ou só uma das partes desfeitos e a conclusão final são duas vidas vincadas pela dor e pelo medo de "se dar" novamente.
Qual é a primeira coisa que fazemos quando sabemos que algo vai doer?
Encolhemo-nos.
Com o passar do tempo esse encolher passa a ser uma fuga.
Podemos perder o bom da vida, mas o mal nunca mais cá entra!!

So, u don't love me anymore...

Cool... That gives me some peace of mind. All I need to do now is "unlove" you. That shouldn't be very hard... All things considered, one way or the other u did make my life misrable... As I made yours... Pretty obvious clue that we didn't belong together, wasn't it?
So, I had a meltdown... Hey, I'm just human... What would be the fun of life if we got things right the first time?
What would be the fun in life if we could be happy for more than 5 minutes at a time?
Doesn't everyone love a challenge????
That's why thousands of people kill themselves... It's because this fucking thing we call life is such an easy and fair challenge.
The fact resides on the premiss that all lives are worth living? But not all lives are the same are they? Some rules don't apply to some peolpe. Some get it easy, some go through hell....
If the challenge is for everyone, than the rules should be the same all around, right?
Wrong...
Some aren't even born and they have it made...
Some are born and work their entire life to die with an agonizing cancer when they're 45 years old and don't even get to see their children grow up...
Some live, some die, and some wish they hadn't been born...
FUCK IT!

Os sentimentos não têm noção de justiça...

... sendo tao calculista... pensei k tivessem...
Como em poucas palavras percebemos como os outros nos vêem. É a velha história de que a honestidade brutal é tão linda e perfeita até nos tocar a nós... Não é?
Calculista... Quase parece que se está a falar de um homicídio premeditado. E quem sabe se não o é mesmo?
A morte de um sentimento, de uma relação,de uma empatia,de uma curte.
Um aborto de algo que podia ter existido mas que não existiu porque não merecia viver...
Não, os sentimentos não têm noção de justiça. Não está errado ou certo sentirmos isto ou aquilo. O que pode estar certo ou errado são as consequências que os impulsos desses sentimentos podem trazer...
A dor, o prazer, a angústia, o bem-estar, a alegria, a infelicidade, a vida e finalmente a morte...
Calculista? Talvez... Se soubermos o que lá vem, desviamo-nos a tempo!

First Kiss

Today I gave my first kiss. It wasn't as I expected. It was better than I had hoped for and it felt so good inside. But as soon as our lips parted, my anguish returned and I knew that I had sinned and that I'm going to hurt someone again... Sometimes I think to myself, why not? He wants to kiss me, I need to be kissed. And I figure that the answer is exactly in that phrase. The 2 words that separate the process. He WANTS. I NEED... And it's not fair. It's abusive and inhumane to use other people because we're fucked up inside. People aren't disposable. If I'm fucked up, I haven't the right to fuck someone over just because I'm broken. I haven't the authority to use someone as glue and try to patch up pieces that will just break off again. And when that happens, he will crumble, I will still be standing and more of me will break. And then I'll find some super-glue and I'll throw him away with the rest of the junk and all the other band-aids...
I'm sorry.
"Há males que vêm por bem e males que sabem tão bem..."

Narciso

Dentro de mim me quis eu ver. Tremia,
Dobrado em dois sobre o meu próprio poço...
Ah, que terrível face e que arcabouço
Este meu corpo lânguido escondia!

Ó boca tumular, cerrada e fria,
Cujo silêncio esfíngico eu bem ouço!...
Ó lindos olhos sôfregos, de moço,
Numa fronte a suar melancolia!...

Assim me desejei nestas imagens.
Meus poemas requintados e selvagens,
O meu Desejo os sulca de vermelho:

Que eu vivo à espera dessa noite estranha,
Noite de amor em que me goze e tenha,
... Lá no fundo do poço em que me espelho!

José Régio

Practice what u preach

So all along i've been wrong... I blamed u and after all the problem was me. Me myself and my I. All I considered to be wrong in my partnership with u wasn't u're fault after all... I can't stand myself so I don't think peolple are able to love me unless they love me in a way i can relate too.. So stupid. So narrow minded... There are so many ways to love.. So many ways to be loved... So many ways to show love. But because u didn't love in my standards, my way, i discarded u only to realise now that it was a mistake and that i was unfair towards u. U put up with so much of my shit. I broke u down. When we met u weren't broken, i broke u because i'm broken.
I've always seen myself as a open minded person but i was sooo fucking wrong. I'm the most narrow minded person that can exist because i expect every life to be lived according to my values and to what i believe is right. I always said that what is right for one might be wrong for another... But i didn't practice what i preached, did i?

Mea Culpa

Today a dear friend told me that I must stop expecting peolple to think like I do. He told me that maybe people are happy with the way they are and that I judge them through my standards making it impossible for me to be happy with someone. I will always try to bend them my way. Make them change so that they can suit me better. And u know what? He's right! Right on the Money! I started to think about the way I act with people. The first thing I do is try to make them change in a way that my comprehension can absorb them... Now what? It's in my structure. What I don't understand, I analyse in order to find those points that I disagree with and then I force my opinion on them. We discuss the disagreement and even if I just let it rest, which I do very seldom, I always think that they are wrong and I'm right. If the person means a lot to me, I try to put myself in their shoes in order to understand better... But there's a problem... I will never feel their understanding the same way beacuse we don't have the same mental structure. We don't have the same life experience... We see things in diferent perspectives... Now what? Do I just bury the hatchet? Throw in the towel? Hang up the gloves?
I can't!! It's not im me to take things as they come and just stay ignorante and not judge. How can I be of any use if I don't try to understand them? I've I been a bad friend,daughter,sister, lover all these years? Have I been that wrong all along? How can I understand their point of view if mine is diferent? Must I start my mental structure in another way? A clean slate? If so... How? Any sugestions anyone?

Ciclo Vicioso

Sonhei contigo ontem. Nem a noite me dá descanso. Começei uma busca incessante por ti e ao encontrar-te deparei-me com uma vida fictícia e cheia de mentiras. A angústia de te querer de volta e a dor de não quereres voltar embora todos te aconselhassem a isso, deixou-me num estado de ansiedade e depressão que já não quis dormir mais. A paranóia que sentia ao pensar que se tu não serviste para mim, mais ninguém irá servir... Porque me invades a vida? Nem nos sonhos me consigo livrar de ti. Sei agora porque não me valorizo... Porque me vejo pelos olhos dos outros que me sub-valorizam... É um ciclo vicioso... Eu não gosto de mim porque os outros me abandonam e não me dou a ninguém porque julgo que me irão fazer o mesmo e fecho-me numa redoma toda pintada de negro em que ninguém me vê na realidade e eu não quero ver ninguém... Se de alguma forma extra-sensorial me conseguires ouvir só tenho uma coisa a pedir-te: Deixa-me em paz... Deixa-me descansar... Pelo menos, dá-me isso, já que nunca me deste realmente nada... Só isso...